I have felt the urge to share my experience with shame for a few weeks, especially as collectively we are entering a period of highlighting the darker areas within our very being as well as societies. Shame is an area that lingers quite a lot within my world and has done for a long time; since I can remember I have carved the choices I have made in case the shame monster comes to make me feel utterly unworthy. I have felt it as I became sexually active, always bearing the title of a slag or slut in the most humorous of moments as I actually enjoy sex.
I have felt it as I became a wife, that I didn’t fit the stereotypical Stepford wives; I hate cleaning and I absolutely loath the idea that I should be at my partner’s beck and call. Pop in a demand and I shall run to the hills!
I have felt it as I became a mother; introducing an insane level of tiredness and organisation that made me suck at everything else. Friendships, healthy habits and life admin literally fell off a cliff once I brought a miracle into the World. I could not compete with the perfect images of mothers who manage everything.
I have felt it as I age slowly; my mind and my heart are not ageing. But my body’s elasticity is. The ability to be a youthful 17-year-old is impossible despite the media’s ’40 is the new 30′ and being bombarded with famous ageing celebrities not looking a day older than 25. Shame that I do not love my body enough. Shame that I want to change it.
Shame is whatever happens when you lose connection or feel rejected by important people in our lives. It makes you withdraw feeling a sense of unbelonging. It makes you believe you are better off alone because you are less than the expectation. And shame is deeply internalised – slowly carving out choices over a lifetime that keep you small and limited; creating a physical body that physically constricts.
How can you help change this cycle of change?
- Journaling is hugely impactful – try to answer these deep questions. What shame are you carrying? How do you feel about your body, your sexuality and your abilities? How do you speak to yourself – with tenderness or harshness?
- Instead of fixating on your weaknesses – look at your strengths. List them and put them somewhere you can see every day.
- Find role models who are like YOU – the weird, the wonderful and those who share a love in the same interests as you. Someone who has achieved happiness or success with the weaknesses that you think will hold you back – chronic illness, BPD, autism, cancer diagnosis, wheelchair users, hearing or visually impaired people. These are YOUR people.
- What have you accomplished in life? So many times you forget to look back and see that many of your dreams have become a reality. They may not have been your dream for long as you evolve but you achieved something. What are your big and small accomplishments?
- Stop following the herd! You don’t have to fit in. You will be loved being YOU by the people who love your authentic YOU. Fitting in leads to loneliness. It leads to feeling worse about yourself. Be truly YOU and your tribe will come.
- Humans thrive on positive emotions, being acknowledged and appreciated. So tell your boss, your parent, your partner, your best friend that you need this feedback and often. It will do you good. I promise.
- All of us have areas that we suck at. Its life. I relish in being perfectly imperfect. Striving for perfection just brings more shame. Recognise those flaws and parts of you that you struggle with – not paying fines in time, organising your diary, sending birthday cards, cleaning the shower, putting away your floordrobe. Buddy up with a friend or partner and give yourself the jobs you hate so that you can check in when it’s done. It really helps!
Shame can bring such pain into your body, extreme tiredness at always fighting the beast and sometimes it may all feel too much. If you need a reinjection of love for yourself and your body book in some time with me – I can help you rediscover who you truly are and how to walk without shame. If this is you then press reply and get in touch. You are not alone and together you can get yourself back.
Love always,
